Wednesday, February 13, 2013

love.this.quote. -- on happiness

"The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open." 
 -- Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

The past few years have eaten me alive.  I have been beaten, shoved, drowned, hanged, shot, and suffocated by life.  I have been completely cut open.  

It is easy to complain, to whine, to cry "Why me?!"  It's harder to recognize the growth that comes after the forest has burned.  And it's okay, because we're human, after all.  But if you can get to that point where you are standing on the line of darkness and light and you tip into the sun... life is illuminated.  You feel the warmth, the love, the joy, the happiness... and you realize that you survived.  And that is more than some can say.

Being completely cut open hurts.  Duh.  But it is not about the damage that was done, it's all about the healing.  You have to be broken to be mended and sometimes it is the only way we are repaired.  Some of us are born broken.  Some of us are broken young.  Some of us have caused our own brokenness... whichever way you are broken, it is because you need to be healed. 

I have been broken.  I hit my rock bottom.  I don't know what yours looks like, nor do I expect anyone's rock bottom to look the same, but mine was a pit of sorrow.  No bad decisions, no alcohol, no drugs, no homelessness, etc.  Just complete sorrow.  My heart had broken into a million pieces, along with my will and my hope.

What's interesting about healing is that sometimes, the pieces don't fit together the same way and sometimes you've lost and replaced some pieces.  Oftentimes glue or tape, or a hammer and nails are needed to get you back together.  Oftentimes, you do not look or feel the same after healing.  And that's okay.  How can we expect to be a static being when life is so torturously dynamic?

I really feel Chuck.  I feel like this quote is the best description of the journey I have been on as of late.  A lot of relationships have fallen away, new ones blossomed.  For the first time in my life, instead of dealing with everyone else's crap and trying to solve their unsolvable problems, I have the time to solve my solvable problems.  Though I'm not 100%, I'm on my way and much further than I was at the close of 2012.

There were a lot of tears, a lot of pain.  Emotional pain, the kind you feel build in your throat and pound in your head.  And it was all worth it.  For the first time in my life, I know who I am, where I am, who I want to be and where I want to be.  That is priceless.  No one else could do it for me.  I had to do it myself.  

Would you allow yourself to be completely cut open in order to obtain happiness?  Sometimes it isn't a decision you make, sometimes it just happens.  

There are casualties.  There has to be.  No war was ever fought without casualties.  It's part of the process, part of the healing.  

Interestingly, after writing this, I realize how tightly wound happiness and pain are.  Something to think about...  Thoughts?

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