Monday, February 25, 2013

love.this.goal. -- on losing it

I have struggled with weight my entire life.  Obesity runs in the family, at least on my father's side - I'm not using this as an excuse, but you could imagine the eating and exercise habits I observed growing up.  It was completely normal for me to eat out of a microwave.  When Mom wasn't cooking, I would throw a Totino's pizza into the microwave and eat the whole thing.  Pizza rolls, tater tots, corn dogs, taquitos, french fries... anything fatty that could be thrown in a microwave or oven and be forgotten about - that was the diet I had growing up.  Occasionally my mom would make fantastic Korean food, but that wasn't as often as I'd liked and it's easy to eat Korean food and be unhealthy (I had no portion control).

I was a very introverted child and all I wanted to to was read and stay inside.  I didn't really have friends and I didn't play outside or go to anyone's house.  I was always ashamed of my body; how it was built, how much I weighed.  My body has always depressed me.

Sophomore year of college I was the heaviest I had ever been.  The following summer, a lot of negative things were happening in my family's life and I just wanted to get away.  I made some friends that weren't really positive influences on my life and ran around with them.  I was so angry at my life that I would go to work, drink Monster energy drinks all day, only eat Arby's, and then I would go home and run my anger out on a treadmill, no matter how much it hurt.  I never slept.  I played a lot of pool.  I dropped 50 pounds in one summer, drained my savings, and was totally unhealthy despite the weight loss.  I told myself I was happy, but it was a synthetic happiness.  Deep down, I knew that I had gone about things the wrong way.  It was a bad time for me.  I did a lot of painful growing after that summer.

I did, however, love fitting into smaller clothes and not looking like Jabba the Hut in photographs.  As the anger went away, the weight packed back on.  I had stopped drinking Monsters and expanded my diet to more than just roast beef sandwiches.  By the time I had gotten into graduate school, I'd gained about fifteen pounds and now, four years into graduate school, I have gained about 35 of the 50 pounds I had dropped.

I'm ready for a change.  I've been ready for a change.  I've never had control over my body.  Eating has always been emotional for me.  My life embodied live to eat rather than eat to live.  My social live revolved (and still kinda does) around food.  Food occupies too much of my life and I want it to be sustenance, not entertainment, not a solution for boredom or stress or depression.

I've been in a very good place lately and decided to try the HCG diet.  I feel I need an extreme way to lose weight to get me started and then be motivated to keep up the momentum.  Clearly, this is a much healthier, safer diet than my Monster/Arby's diet.  This one is much more thoughtful and controlled.

I am on day 3 of this diet.  The past two days were my gorging phase and today was my first day on the 500 calorie plan.  It was actually manageable.  I was surprised at how much I could eat with 500 calories, more than I had imagined.  I think that the HCG is working because I do not feel starving.  I made it through a birthday party with all sorts of pizza and fruit pizza and cookies and ice cream without dying or feeling miserable.  I was proud of myself.  I am drinking a lot more liquids and relying on herbal iced tea and stevia. That is the only way I can get my sweet fix.  But I'm not going crazy, my stomach doesn't hurt, and I feel like I got through the day quite smoothly.  I believe that I can keep this up for a month and I intend on doing that.

I know that losing weight and making my goal weight would contribute to my happiness enormously.  I must remember that this is a process, just like everything else, and results are not always immediate.  The trick is to be patient and to endure.

I had no bread or corn products today.  That is unheard of for me.  And no chocolate - holy crap.  I had no oil, no butter, no sugar... I did this for a day.  Small victory, yes, but big motivation.

I'm ready for this.  I have made so many big changes in my life as of late.  I know that it is not recommended to take on too many changes at once, but I feel ready.  I can do this - I AM doing this.

My goal is more than just weight loss.  I want to not be tempted to the point of action.  I want to view food as sustenance and not comfort or fun.  I spend way too much money on food, so this will help me save money too.  My goal is to make my life better.  There are a lot of projects going on to make that happen, but this is my season.  I can't let it slip away.

Encouragement is welcome!  Although today went smoothly, I don't expect every day to be like that.  But I will try my hardest to make every day as smooth as possible.

1 comment:

  1. You go girl! I think this is going to work really well for you!

    ReplyDelete